Dating a female commitment phobe
If you only ever spoke to someone on the telephone when you called them, if they only texted or emailed in response to what you had sent to them, if they waited for you to initiate plans and expected you to be responsible for making the relationship happen, you would at best think they were very passive about the relationship which would imply half interest, or you might actually think they’re not interested.Even if you do believe they’re interested, you might draw the conclusion that this person is happy to take a backseat or may even think that they are so special, that they should be pursued to show your worthiness until they are ready to be ‘captured’.
If you’re a woman that doesn’t ‘do’ initiating contact or plans and often finds herself in relationships that are on the other person’s terms where they get to dictate the pace and the frequency of contact and interaction, what you’ve just read is exactly how you may come across.It’s not enough for us to show up – be careful of overvaluing your contribution.It’s important for us to be equal in our interactions because if we don’t, we end up participating in setting the scene of them having it on their terms…and then complaining about it. It’s not about someone coming along and you dignifying them with the opportunity to chase you and meet your needs.You will know if you’re in mutually fulfilling relationship if you can call and initiate plans without restrictions.When you’re involved with a potential co-pilot, they are happy for you to contact or make plans.If you’re still looking to be pursued, then you haven’t been captured, which means you’re not ‘in it’.
This means that if you’re still thinking, feeling, and acting like someone who thinks that the other person should be doing the ‘chasing’ and ‘initiation of interaction’ effort, that means that whether you’re just dating or you’re in a relationship, you’re either holding back or you take a passive, backseat role and effectively hand over the wheel or the reins to partners. At what point do you feel that you should step up and make an effort to help maintain the relationship and drive it along?
If you make it the ‘job’ of the guy to contact and make the plans, you opt for a lesser role in your relationship – the best you can hope to be is a backseat driver.
The key is not to accept the default role of a passenger – someone who automatically let’s someone else dictate the terms even if they might later try and close the door after the horse has bolted and complain.
Or when do you recognise that something isn’t right and opt out? You want to be pursued, you want someone to show that they’re interested.
Here’s the thing – It’s not that guys want you to take on the pursuing role but if you’re actually dating or have even moved beyond that into a relationship, just as much as you want effort, so do they.
If you sit back and wait for people to call you and manage the whole relationship, you will be a passenger.